Inches and Pounds

This morning I took my measurements for the first time since May. I have lost 3 pounds in that time, but gained almost 3 inches in the waist and 2 inches in the bust! It's crazy. Every day is becoming a series of ups and downs. I feel good in the morning. I have energy, my stomach doesn't hurt too much, and my thoughts are clear and peaceful. By noon I'm usually feeling a little tired and a little sick to the stomach. By 3 pm I'm feeling exhausted and just downright crappy. But I try to keep it all in perspective: this too, shall pass. I will be in that "I feel great" middle trimester pretty soon.

Visit to the hospital

On Friday my husband and I went to visit my friend Wendy in the hospital with her new baby. It was so fun, so exciting, like a dress rehearsal for the time when we will do this hospital thing ourselves. Wendy was so strikingly beautiful, I thought, just glowy and happy and bright-eyed. And the baby, little McKinley Kaleeya, was just precious and perfect. I held her and stroked her downy head and looked at her little hands, and was struck by just how fortunate my friend is, to have two beautiful daughters. And how fortunate I am, too, to be expecting my own.

It makes the upset stomach and the acne and the soreness all worth it. I just have to keep thinking about the little baby at the end, the pot of gold at the end of our rainbow.

Baby says it's hot

Today, I am feeling hot (as in temperature, not attractiveness, mind you). There is a space heater in my office and so often today I have turned to check if it was blowing directly on my stomach, and it has been nowhere near me at any time. Which is funny, because I am so often cold in the office.

I am also feeling just a LITTLE irritable, for no good reason. It is Friday, and no one in the office knows I'm pregnant, and I'm not feeling too good in the stomach department, and I just want to go home and go to bed and put the covers over my head. I am feeling tired, too, even though I went to bed at 8pm last night. I woke up every three hours or so, again with no good reason. This little baby in my belly is playing with me.

My husband and I already have a running joke that the baby is all knowing and can hear everything we say.

Baby says it's hot today. Baby says the Democrats will lose the November elections. Baby says cottage cheese is a perfectly acceptable dinner.

She's Having A Baby. . .

As I write this my best friend, Wendy, is having a baby girl. My husband and I spent the night at their house last night so we might be there when her little two-year-old woke up this morning. At this stage in my own pregnancy, it is strange to think about the end, the contractions and the hospital with its bright lights and funny smells, the motions of the baby coming into the world. It seems like such a difficult thing.

I am not afraid of the pain--not yet, anyway-- because I know that it will be so overshadowed by the joy. But this baby in my own belly is still hiding out. It's not thinking of making itself known yet. So often I catch myself staring at my abdomen (which is already larger but I don't know if this is from the baby or the range of digestive issues that come with being pregnant) and thinking, "Just stay in there. Stay here with me." And the moment when that baby is ready to come out feels so far away that I really can't conceive of it. No pun intended.

Yesterday some parts of my body which will remain nameless became fiercely sore. I keep picturing these dreaded HGB chemicals swirling around in my blood, making me feel this strange and unpredictable way. Another recent sign is the emotional rollercoaster. Yesterday I cried at a trailer to Charlotte's Web. Pathetic, but true. I keep thinking about that famous I Love Lucy episode where Ricky sings "She's Having a Baby" to Lucy when he finds out she's pregnant, and even the thought gets me a little choked up:

We're Having a Baby- (sung by Ricky Ricardo)
We're having a baby, my baby and me
You'll read it in Winchell's
That we're adding a limb to our family tree
We're pushing our carriage
How proud I will be
There's nothing like marriage
Ask your father and mother and they'll agree
He'll have toys, baby clothes
He'll know he's come to the right house
By and by, when he grows
Maybe he'll live in the White House
Our future looks brighter
But definitely
We're having a baby
We're having a baby
We're having a baby
My baby and me

Morning Sprout

Morning

I keep waking at 3 or 4
or whenever the fertility
can no longer be contained
in this body of mine, shooting
out like flowers opening in stop
camera motion, turning to the sun.
I myself am turning to the kernel
of pomegranate lodged behind
my pelvic bone, craning inward
to feel it rapidly dividing me
here and here and especially here
turning colors like bruises,
tugging my tethers, bearing
seasickness and careless tears.
I am the field turned hurting
by the plow, my dark seams
closed over a seed,

a tiny uncurling sprout

unbending in my body, pushing

through layers and leaving me

wide-eyed under the covers,

awaiting its next move.

Anniversaries and baby birds

Today is our second wedding anniversary, and I am struck by how quickly the time has gone. Once, not so long ago, I was eagerly awaiting our wedding, planning and preparing, much the same way that I am planning and preparing now. It seems like an eternity will pass before our baby gets here, but I know the time will pass quickly. Our kid will be in college before we know it! These past two years have been such an exciting time in my life, from the moment I met my husband. That's what great about being married: you have so much to look forward to, so many milestones together. So far we've been through our meeting, our courtship, our engagement, our wedding, our honeymoon, moving a couple of times, roadtrips and vacations, our first Thanksgiving and Christmas together, our first anniversary, and now the conception and pregnancy of our first child, and today, our second anniversary. And that's not including all the personal and professional events and accomplishments of the last few years! It seems like a big list when I write it that way, but there is so much more on the other end, so much more to go. The birth of our child. Our first house. The jobs we will do. Our first garden. Our child's first day of school. And on and on and on, until we retire, and then we get to see the cycle playing out in our children and grandchildren. And it just makes me think about what a miracle it is, to be alive.

Today I'm feeling better than yesterday, not quite so sick to the stomach. According to the books, our baby is starting to resemble the above picture more than the salamander-like shape it had before. I think at this point it looks a little bit like a baby bird.

And heeeeeeeeere's MORNING SICKNESS

So this morning it seemed like an alien had taken over my body overnight. My body looked different in the bathroom mirror. I just felt strange in a way I can't really describe. And then, when I went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast, my stomach just turned over. The alien in my belly said there was no way I was eating anything. Still, baby needs to eat. So I poured myself a little bowl of cereal, cut up an apple, and got out a yogurt. Only after taking several deep breaths was I able to eat half the apple, about 4 bites of the cereal, and all of the yogurt. I also took my prenatal vitamins, a calcium supplement, and a little bit of water. I had to get completely out of the kitchen in order for the feeling to subside. And it has been back, every time I am about to eat anything.

This is terrifying for me in some ways because I HATE throwing up. I have only thrown up a few times in my life, and I hated it. One time, about 3 years ago, I threw up in public, in the hallway of the English building at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. It was so humiliating. So far, I consider it a victory that I have not yet thrown up. But this is only really the first day of the battle. From what I hear, throwing up while pregnant is not like throwing up after eating bad Chinese food: you don't feel better after you've emptied the contents of your stomach.

On the other hand, morning sickness is a good sign. It means everything is progressing normally. So, I will take deep breaths, try to continue to eat, and rejoice that it is all going the way it is supposed to.

Beware of Sun

The days seem to be passing slowly and quickly at the same time. I have known about our impending bundle of joy since Saturday, almost a full week now. The week has gone by fast, but at the same time, each day has seemed so slow to me when I think about how long I have to go until this baby is here. Or how long I have to go until people can really tell I'm pregnant. Or how long I have to go before we can see the baby on a sonagram. Even my first prenatal visit seems like a long ways off, and it is only three weeks away.

I am becoming so aware of my body. My husband and I have already had a discussion about whether my symptoms are real or whether me knowing that I am supposed to have them creates them, in a way. I said, "You'd better be careful before you say that this is all in my head." I just think that I am more aware now. If I had an upset stomach before Saturday, I just thought it was something I ate. Now, if I have an upset stomach, I think it's connected to me being pregnant.

I feel also that my center has shifted down. Already I seem to be centered around the middle of my body instead of my head or chest, which is where I usually feel centered. Now it is all about the belly, and the tiny popcorn kernel of life that is percolating there.

Today's symptoms: I have been a little tired. For the past several nights I have been waking up too early in the morning, for no good reason. This morning I woke up at 4:30. I am usually such a good sleeper, so it is strange to be waking up so early in the day. Also, food looks less appealing to me. My husband is trying to get me to eat more. He cooks me breakfast in the mornings these days, which is wonderful. Today he presented me with a huge bowl of cereal, easily twice what I would normally eat. I had to smile. He's making chili for tonight, and I really hope I can work up an appetite for it.

What I learned about pregnancy today: Exposure to sun can cause melasma, which is apparently what happens when your skin has so much estrogen in it from pregnancy that it gets burned more easily, causing some brown splotches that can stay on your face throughout your entire pregnancy. It was a good warning for me to stay out of the sun!

Secret Amphibion

Today I have really been amazed by my own sense of smell. It's amazing! On my way to work I smelled every flower, every person, every car that went by, at least that's the way it felt to me. I can't believe there are so many smells out there. So far none of the smells have made me feel sick, so I am feeling pretty good. I did some brisk walking this morning, and my energy is fairly high.

I wrote a poem a few days ago about the baby. Here it is:

Secret Amphibian

you funny salamander
every day you are a thousand times
more than you were yesterday
blood of my blood, quick-dividing
yourself into recognizable parts,
growing ears to hear us murmur
about you in the dark.
we don’t even know your name
but today your semblance of heart
started to open and shut like a fist
and it will beat and beat until
I hear you say you cannot be unmade.
you funny fish, you sesame seed-
sized morsel of aqueous dream.

I got the idea that my baby was a salamander by looking at the picture in What To Expect When You're Expecting. At this stage, the embryo looks like it has a tail, and is curled like a little lizard. My husband disagrees; he thinks the embryo looks like a tadpole. But I much prefer the image of a salamander.

Pregnant

So. . .I'm pregnant. I struggle to find the words to say about the subject, because so much has already been said, by billions and trillions of women, all around the world. I found a message board where women with the same due date (or estimated week of delivery) could post their thoughts, and already there were over 200 women who are having their babies in the same week of February as when I am due. It's crazy. It makes me realize just how big the world is, and how common this having-a-baby thing really is. And to me it feels like such a thing has never happened before in the history of our planet!

Today's symptoms: Not many. I am five weeks along, and not having many symptoms. A little trouble with digestion, a keener sense of smell than usual, a little cramping in the mornings. This last thing, the cramping, had me very worried until I could confirm that it was normal. It's the uterus growing, or some such business. But so far I have no nausea or fatigue.

People who know: My husband, who I woke up and told as soon as I took the test at 5am last Saturday morning. My best friend, Wendy, who is about to have a baby herself, anytime now. And that's it. Not our parents, our friends, anybody. It's hard, but we're going to wait for a little while to tell people. In stages.

Looking forward to: My first prenatal visit, on July 6th. I think it will make this all seem more real when I actually see a doctor.

Something I learned today about pregnancy: Morning sickness usually starts between week 2 and week 8, and it affects more than half of all women. So I guess I still have some time to go.