Ode to a Girl

I haven't had a lot of energy to post here in the past few weeks, but my energy is definitely on the return now. The general feeling of upset stomach is also mostly gone. I have gone back to feeling like normal, for the most part. It's just been in the last couple of weeks, where my belly has grown enough that I show a little bit, that I have started to feel pregnant again. I have bought 3 pairs of maternity pants. People occasionally pat my belly. And I have my next doctor's visit this afternoon. Afterwards they will draw my blood for the AFP screening.

I am past my little anxieties about having a girl. I was laying in bed one night a few weeks ago and suddenly had my first real vision of having a girl. I imagined sitting behind her in her bed and combing her hair, and then we settled down to read a book together before bed. Once I thought of reading with my daughter, my mind was flooded with all the books that I wanted to share with her, and that opened the door to all of the other things that I wanted to share too, music and dance, playing dressup, experimenting with makeup. There is a bit of mystery to being a woman, a little feeling of magic, which I was suddenly so excited to pass on. I wrote a poem about it:

And finally last night I saw you,
heard your small voice and we went
together to Green Gables at bedtime,
sitting cross-legged on your bed.
I plaited a ribbon into your gold hair,
drawing the strands between my fingers,
breathing you in. We go arm in arm.
We dreamed our father mined diamonds
faraway in Africa, we told the stories
to the girl who lived under the stairs.
When we were done we clicked
our ruby slippers together three times,
drawing us home where next a red robin
would show us the key to a dying garden.
We are so wise, you and I. We know the last
unicorn on earth, we watched firsthand as
a red bull drove the others into the sea.
We talked to butterflies and rode the back
of the north wind. You wanted to know
why the twelve princesses danced so hard
they wore through their shoes, and I told you,
it’s because of the cool night air on their skin.
It’s because we are women, and in us all
there are whispers of magic.

One trimester down?

This is me about 2 weeks ago, but I don't think I'm much bigger than that now. Yesterday was the first day of my 12th week. I am already starting to feel a little bit better when it comes to food, but my energy is still way down. My 2nd doctor's appointment is tomorrow, where I think we will get to hear the baby's heartbeat. My mom has instructed me to write down the baby's heart rate so that she can calculate whether it will be a boy or a girl. According to her, little baby girls have faster heartbeats than little baby boys do.

It will be good to go to the doctor, because I have settled into a kind of lull now, where I am feeling more fat than pregnant. The novelty of being pregnant has worn off for now. I wish I could feel the baby move inside me, to remind me that I am not alone in my body, to reassure me that it is alive and well in there. But I know it will be at least another month before I feel anything, maybe more.

I just keep telling myself to be patient and before I know it the baby will be in my arms.