Gingerbread Boy

I am trying to do more to engage Will in my everyday work. He gets so bored during these colder (I realize this is all relative to California, the definition of cold being 40-50 degrees) windy days where we stay indoors most of the day. And bored equals fussy, and fussy equals very tense Mommy. It shows me what a high premium I must place on control, when a few tantums can leave me feeling so off balance. So often it feels like he and are and just struggling with each other all day. Will is either bored and fussy or actively seeking out trouble; he no longer seems content to simply play. Recently he has begun to drag our kitchen chairs all over the house to use as a step ladder to the objects that most intrigue him--namely, the cords for the blinds, the controlls to the air conditioner, and the kitchen counter and its wonders. It's really put my babyproofing skills to the test. We have been using time-outs with him, which work, to a large extent, except for those times where he seems to want to go into time-out. This is the time, I realize now, when I used to watch my friends, who during babyhood had seemed like thoughtful and steady parents, and shake my head. So easy to think that I could do better, when my time came. And all my friends who had toddlers are now thoughtful and steady parents again, now that their children are past that stage.

So I am practicing patience and letting Will help me wash dishes and put his socks in the drawer and carry clothes to the washing machine. He truly lights up when I allow him to do any of that kind of thing, making me wonder why I didn't let him help me sooner--I suppose it was just easier for me to keep him out of the way and do it myself quickly so I could get back to him.

I want to make Christmas cookies this week, so I thought I would try it out to see if Will could handle helping me with that. Yesterday we made gingerbread men together. I let Will pour things into the mixer and held him tightly when we turned it on to assure him that it was not too SCAY-WE. He helped me pat the dough, and when I had rolled it out, he pressed down the little cutout to make the gingerbread boys. He fetched my potholder when it was time to get the cookies out of the oven, and sprinkled (some would say dumped, as you can see from the photo) the cookies when they were done. And it was so special.

Of course I was still trying to control things. There was a lot of "No, Will, don't....." and "stay back for a minute" in the whole process. But overall it was fun, and we proudly showed the cookies to John at dinnertime, and watched him eat one.

John is getting better day by day, up and around more and more. He is still having a lot of trouble sleeping for more than a couple of hours at a time, mostly because he is used to sleeping on his side and still can't do that. He is not allowed to lift Will, which has been hard for us both-for him because he wants to play with and hold his little boy and for me because that means I am fully responsible for every single moment with Will. Before all of this, I was getting up every morning to go to the gym before Will woke up, and I had lost about ten pounds. Now I am homebound and emotionally hungry, and I have probably gained fifteen pounds over the past month. But it is, I keep reminding myself, temporary. John will be on his feet again soon and we will get into a routine that works for both of us and the weight will come off again and all will be well. I am just grateful to still have my husband. I shudder to think about that day when we took him to the emergency room and how he might not have made it through the night if we hadn't gone in, so bad was the infection.

In the meantime, there are the little things that make me happy. I bought us some Christmas sheets this year, red flannel with snowmen on it, and it is the comfiest, merriest bed ever-- I just love snuggling in to sleep. I burn a Yankee Christmas Cookie candle in the bedroom, let the air fill with the scent of vanilla and sugar, and then burrow down in the red flannel and konk out. I sent out the yearly Christmas cards, which I always find great fun. I tape up all the cards we receive on a particular door in our apartment and show them to Will over and over again. My mom recently found me a sewing machine, so I am thinking about the best way to go about learning to use it. I also want to learn to knit this winter. I love to crochet but I have found it has its limitations, and there are some cute hats that I want to make for Will. And next week, for Christmas dinner, my friend Robin is coming with her family. I am so looking forward to having some company!