Fire in the Sky

Welcome to southern California! This week has been our first real introduction to the Santa Ana winds, these strange hot gusts that come from all directions. My husband has been home from work the last two days on account of the fires in Malibu. Instead of snow days, which I am used to back in Idaho, here we have fire days. Pepperdine is closed down, although it is not in danger from the fire anymore that I know of. It's just that all the roads leading to Pepperdine are still on fire. The real bummer in all of this is that there was supposed to be a reading tonight by Tobias Wolff, one of my all-time favorite living writers. I had found someone to babysit Will for the evening, and John and I were going to go to the reading and then a special dinner afterwards with Toby. And now that of course was called off.

I tried to go out with Will this morning for our regular walk, but the sky is filled with so much smoke that it makes me feel a little bit queasy and the sidewalk and roads are filled with fallen branches. We just went one block before I decided to turn back.

So tonight we stayed in, and enjoyed Will's new adventure of pushing a big toy of his around like a walker. He is going to walk very soon, I think. He is already standing alone so much of the time, and he is so proud of himself. He just grins with his two little teeth. He especially likes to stand up in the tub, which keeps me on my toes. Here is a picture of him Robin took while she was here last week.

October Days

Last Sunday my friend Robin came up for the day, and I just had the best day in a long time. I actually can't express how good it felt, and I have been living in the afterglow of that day for a good week now. I left Will with my husband while Robin and I went out to lunch a little light shopping. It felt so good to just be able to concentrate on the conversation, instead of always focusing on the baby. After that we went home and my friend painted my toenails while Will took his nap. Again, so good, just to have some time for myself with my friend. And then, when Will woke up, we went to this pumpkin patch that we had spotted near where we had lunch.

I didn't know how much Will would enjoy the pumpkin patch, as little as he is, but like any good parent I recognized a precious photo opportunity when I saw it. It turned out that there was also a petting zoo, and the entire experience was loads of fun and we got some great pictures out of it. As you can see, one sheep particularly liked Will's hat. And there I am, smiling into the camera while an animal is virtually attacking my son! I just love the look on Will's face in that picture. He just can't believe it.

I haven't been writing a lot on this blog because, truthfully, I've been struggling a bit, maybe even a lot. Since we moved to southern California I haven't been doing so well, and I don't really feel like documenting the hard times as much as I want to write about the good times. A lot of it has to do with the sheer isolation, I think. John is working a lot right now, trying to get his feet under him in this new job. He takes the car with him twenty miles away to work, and I am left at home day after day to tend to Will. I don't know anybody here. The first month I ran up a large phone bill just calling people to get some adult conversation.

It's funny how sometimes you get everything you want, and it just doesn't make you happy the way that you thought it would. I have always wanted kids, and always envisioned myself staying home with them. I couldn't wait to get out of our tiny little apartment in Sunnyvale and into our new spacious apartment here. And yet these past few weeks I have felt like I am swimming in a deep pool and I can never seem to get over to the edge, let alone pull myself out.

I have also felt enormously guilty about not being happy. I love my baby to pieces and I fully realize that I should be enjoying every minute of my time with him. He is just the greatest little guy ever, so smart and so funny. He's just turned that corner now where he understands so much more. He's learning how to do new things every day. And instead of treasuring this time I find myself so often watching the clock, waiting for his next nap or his bedtime.

The day with Robin really helped. It's crazy how much difference one day can make. We bought a jogging stroller, too, and I have taken Will out walking almost every morning, which has also been good for me. I signed us up for a Baby and Me class on Fridays. There is a baby in the class who was born on the same day as Will, his birthday buddy. And John, in spite of his exhausting schedule, gives me a long break on Friday afternoons to go out and do something on my own. All these things together have helped tremendously.

Poison Control

Last night was the first call to Poison Control. When I was a baby, my parents joked that they had to call so often that the people at Poison Control knew their voices. I guess I liked to put stuff in my mouth: I ate holly berries, mushrooms from the yard, dog food, furniture polish, and I got drunk on aftershave. I hope that I will be able to keep Will from following the same route. I have all my cleaning stuff in a high shelf that I have to reach over my head to access.

Yesterday Will banged his head on the coffee table. It's a sad but fairly regular occurence, and he always feels better when I get him this little baby-sized cold pack from the freezer. It has a little polar bear on it. So I gave it to him. Later, after Will was in bed, I discovered that the cold pack had split open somehow and the gel was everywhere, smeared on the furniture and the carpet, all over Will's clothes, etc. Yikes. So I called Poison Control and they told me it was not poisonous. Whew.

What scared me about it, and continues to scare me, is that I didn't even notice until hours later. Sure, I noticed that he was a little wet, but he has been teething and down with a cold last week, so I didn't think anything of it.

Trip to Idaho

Here is my very belated video of my trip to Idaho. My parents rightly sensed that I needed a little break, and flew Will and me out to Idaho for about 10 days in the middle of September. He did great on the plane, and the trip was wonderful, overall, even if Will did not sleep through the night one night while we were there. He also got his first tooth, so there are a lot of pictures of him chewing.