October Days

Last Sunday my friend Robin came up for the day, and I just had the best day in a long time. I actually can't express how good it felt, and I have been living in the afterglow of that day for a good week now. I left Will with my husband while Robin and I went out to lunch a little light shopping. It felt so good to just be able to concentrate on the conversation, instead of always focusing on the baby. After that we went home and my friend painted my toenails while Will took his nap. Again, so good, just to have some time for myself with my friend. And then, when Will woke up, we went to this pumpkin patch that we had spotted near where we had lunch.

I didn't know how much Will would enjoy the pumpkin patch, as little as he is, but like any good parent I recognized a precious photo opportunity when I saw it. It turned out that there was also a petting zoo, and the entire experience was loads of fun and we got some great pictures out of it. As you can see, one sheep particularly liked Will's hat. And there I am, smiling into the camera while an animal is virtually attacking my son! I just love the look on Will's face in that picture. He just can't believe it.

I haven't been writing a lot on this blog because, truthfully, I've been struggling a bit, maybe even a lot. Since we moved to southern California I haven't been doing so well, and I don't really feel like documenting the hard times as much as I want to write about the good times. A lot of it has to do with the sheer isolation, I think. John is working a lot right now, trying to get his feet under him in this new job. He takes the car with him twenty miles away to work, and I am left at home day after day to tend to Will. I don't know anybody here. The first month I ran up a large phone bill just calling people to get some adult conversation.

It's funny how sometimes you get everything you want, and it just doesn't make you happy the way that you thought it would. I have always wanted kids, and always envisioned myself staying home with them. I couldn't wait to get out of our tiny little apartment in Sunnyvale and into our new spacious apartment here. And yet these past few weeks I have felt like I am swimming in a deep pool and I can never seem to get over to the edge, let alone pull myself out.

I have also felt enormously guilty about not being happy. I love my baby to pieces and I fully realize that I should be enjoying every minute of my time with him. He is just the greatest little guy ever, so smart and so funny. He's just turned that corner now where he understands so much more. He's learning how to do new things every day. And instead of treasuring this time I find myself so often watching the clock, waiting for his next nap or his bedtime.

The day with Robin really helped. It's crazy how much difference one day can make. We bought a jogging stroller, too, and I have taken Will out walking almost every morning, which has also been good for me. I signed us up for a Baby and Me class on Fridays. There is a baby in the class who was born on the same day as Will, his birthday buddy. And John, in spite of his exhausting schedule, gives me a long break on Friday afternoons to go out and do something on my own. All these things together have helped tremendously.